For anyone who’s feeling a little bit down right now – if you’re doubting yourself, or feeling slightly worthless – then I strongly recommend you listen to the superlative track “Talk to my Ass” by the incomparable Steven Seagal. It’s available on his album Mojo Priest, and you can get the song either from iTunes or the relevant software of your choice.
Listen to that guitar! Listen to that piano! It’s already a classic, and then – 40 seconds in – Mr Seagal opens his mouth and begins singing. And it’s genius. “I woke up this morning. I ask my baby fix me some scrambled eggs”. (Something unexpectedly wonderful happens immediately after this line, but I won’t spoil it for you: half the joy is in discovery, after all).
How does Seagal’s baby respond? “And she looked at me kinda surprised and she said: baby, you got your own two pair of legs.” Well, she would be surprised, wouldn’t she, because that’s not natural. For a biped.
Seagal’s backing singers also seem to appreciate the anatomical curiosity unfolding here – listen to the way they go “uh-huh”, sounding suddenly doubtful. Like, ‘how much am I being paid for this again?’ doubtful.
Second verse takes us into darker territory. “I went to bed last night. I tried to give my baby some love.” Urgh. Okay, well, by this point we’re sympathising with Seagal’s baby, assuming we weren’t already. How does she respond? “Well, she looked at me kinda surprised and she said: baby, you got your own two pair of hands …” What? Well, no wonder he’s so good at beating people up. Hardly fair, is it, if you can whip out an extra pair of arms and legs? The man’s a fucking octopus.
“… but you aint got no glove.”
Oh. I don’t know quite what the means but … eww.
A few moments later, after you’ve hooked the last of the sick out of your teeth, Seagal is announcing he’s got his “own two pair of eyes”, and the only sensible conclusion left to the casual listener is that Steven Seagal is Cthulhu. In fact, when he announces at the end that “I told her I can’t have no more sass, and from now on, she can talk to my ass”, it’s bitterly disappointing that she doesn’t ask him which one.
Anyway – just thought I’d share. If you’re feeling bad about yourself and need a pick-up, I’d definitely give it a spin. Me, I’m off to get the whole fucking album.